The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
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That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity