The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
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“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
A game married people play.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen