@TheBoydP

The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?

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@robotrowboat

David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested

@david8hughes

Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it

@BrettDruck

May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]

@BuckyIsotope

Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased

@AnOrangeSNES

Yes Pony Express?

I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?

@garbagecoven

i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”

@aveuaskew

Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.

@XplodingUnicorn

Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.

Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?

Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.

@DogPishRed

Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.

@katiefzack

Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.