The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
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*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”