The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
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People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
asked my bf how work was today
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.