the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
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The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes