The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
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At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.