The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
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Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
Need this in my life lol
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.