The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
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“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
Why does laundry happen to good people?
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.