The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
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I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.