The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
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“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.