the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
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My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%