@funnyordie

the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet

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@HomeProbably

I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.

I don’t care, the spider’s dead.

@UncleDuke1969

when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table

@ElizaBayne

Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side

@AsgardianRose

If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.

@LaqueefaTeen

What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?

@ceejoyner

(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off

@JasonLastname

The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.

@pancakemixtape

It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.

@Dan_Haak

[Dog Court]

Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.

*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*

@WilliamAder

To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”