@funnyordie
@HomeProbably I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
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@HomeProbably 
@UncleDuke1969 when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
@ElizaBayne Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
@AsgardianRose If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
@LaqueefaTeen What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
@ceejoyner (One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
@JasonLastname The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
@pancakemixtape It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
@Dan_Haak [Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
@WilliamAder To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”