the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet

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Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.


This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.


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The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.


This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.


“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.


*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*

*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*


The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.


You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.


Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.