the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet

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I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.

I don’t care, the spider’s dead.


when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table


Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side


If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.


What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?


(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off


The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.


It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.


[Dog Court]

Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.

*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*


To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”