@funnyordie
@UncleDuke1969 Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
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@UncleDuke1969 
@AndyAsAdjective This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
@yoyoha STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
@ThisOneSayz The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
@girlwithatail This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
@CroweJam “I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
@FrenulumBreve *Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
@TwinSurvivalist The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
@blaha_Who You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
@batkaren Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.