The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
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*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.