The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
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“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
me linking you to my twitter
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family