The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
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how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?