The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
You Might Also Like
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
greetings!
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes