The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
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HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito