The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.

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I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.


[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look


Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit

Me: Are you sure about that?

*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*

Cop: Have a nice day, sir.


she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”


[on date]

“I think we should take this a step farther”

Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-

*date already left*


“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”


Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.


*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*


Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”

Wife: Slowly.

Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…


The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.