The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
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Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Terribly Tuesday.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy