The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
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I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
@funTweeters
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes