the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
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U talkin 2 me?
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not