The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
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I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.