The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
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A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
When someone says you are so lazy
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early