The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
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Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.