The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
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Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
That’s enough internet for the day
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌