The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
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I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion