The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
You Might Also Like
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”