[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
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My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
listen closely
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Based Erika
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)