The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
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Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
She was REALLY feeling it.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.