The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
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Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.