The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
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beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS