The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
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My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.