The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
You Might Also Like
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.