The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
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Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.