The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
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Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Never let them know your next move 😂
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No