The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
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Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
My brain is a bad influence on me
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
Yoga Matt
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
i prefer mine room temperature.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?