The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
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I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
Found my door mat
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
reduce, reuse, recycle
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.