The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
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Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
#gardening
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes