The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
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me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight