The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
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If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.