The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
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[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.