The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
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I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
War & Peace
Saturday
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Breaking news:
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
Every work call, he judges.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie