The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
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Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.