the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
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“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.