The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
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Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.