[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
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My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see