The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
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If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means