[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
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The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
why I oughta
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Is….Is this an option?
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*