The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
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When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer