@AmishSuperModel

The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.

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@MedusaOusa

The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.

@joe_binkley

“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”

“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”

@mcclure111

America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM

@reallifemommy3

I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time

@GreenScoundrel

Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…

@CherBear162

In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.

@seamussaid

FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper

@ArfMeasures

DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush

ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing

@Gre_Gone

*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*