The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.

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The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.


“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”

“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”


America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism


I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time


Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…


In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.


FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper


DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush

ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing


*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*