“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
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My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
it’s finally my moment to shine
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
some cats are just doing for fun!
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
And then there were 4