NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
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Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today