@InternetHippo

“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what

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@ericsshadow

NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks

@Jimpetuous

Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks

@SuitSentient

We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.

@david8hughes

[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over

@LizerReal

Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.

@jawahomer

If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.

@FrazzleMyGimp

[leaving parents’ house]

HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.

ME: Ya he also has another one.

@BryMastas

When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.

@huntigula

an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today