“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
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Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*